Friday, August 28, 2015

Dear John

 Dear John,
     I can't believe it's been 11 years...11 years since I last heard your voice, caught your contagious laughter, or have been able to hug you. I'll never forget that day because that was the day that my life changed forever. For the first 20 years of my life I was alive but not necessarily "living" because I didn't realize how fragile life truly was until Saturday August 28, 2004.
     I remember driving home the night before & thinking how perfectly full the moon was. I remember thinking how beautifully it lit up the late-night sky & how it shined down so brightly on the world beneath it; little did I know how much that world would change in the matter of hours. Losing you was, without-a-doubt, harder than I could have ever, ever imagined. I thought I had my heart broken before, but no...saying goodbye to you, big brother, was a heartbreak I never knew existed.
     I try not to haunt myself with thoughts of that morning but, inevitably, they always seem to creep back into my head. I wonder if you were you scared or if you knew what was happening. I wonder what your last words might have been - knowing you I'm sure they were words Mom wouldn't approve of. :) I know you were probably more concerned with getting Leslie out of the house than you were with yourself; you loved her so much, as she loved you. I will never forget your last Christmas when you surprised her with her beautiful bracelet & made her cry. You made her feel so special & so loved...I'm so happy you found true love while on this Earth. That Christmas is hands-down my favorite holiday memory even though it would be the last one we would all spend together. When I look back at that version of "me" in the pictures I can't help but miss being that naive 19-year-old in the navy blue dance sweatshirt. Everything about me changed when I lost you & almost 11 years later I'm still trying to pick up the pieces & find my way in this crazy life. It seems like every time I was about to pull things together, something else would wreck our losing Jay only 2 years after you. We have amazing parents, don't we? There's not a lot of things I truly "know" in this life, but 1 thing I do know is that no parent should EVER have to bury their child & our's did...twice. They're incredible & I don't think I will ever understand where they find all their strength. They miss you so much. I know their lives changed in more ways than mine that morning & I often find myself just starring at them in awe. How blessed we are to call them our's.
     Thank you for loaning Duke to us for the last 11 years. Who knew that big, awkward puppy hiding in his doghouse would end up being the biggest inside fur-baby we've ever had? did, I guess. I think you must have known how much we would need him. For me, he was the last tangible part of you so letting him go has been really hard. I miss him so much already but I can only imagine how excited he was to see you again. I would often talk to him about you; telling him stories would make me feel closer to you somehow. Man how I miss those talks. Oh, by the way, the orange ball is his favorite so please be sure to throw that as hard & as far as you can - that back leg won't be holding him back in the clouds.
     I'll never forget what happened in the early hours of August 28, 2004. You were taken from this world much too early for my liking or my approval & I struggle with your absence everyday. You were an incredible big brother & I hate that I didn't tell you that nearly enough. I hope you know how much I love you & how much I miss you because...well, I can't find a way to put it into words. All I can say is that I do love you & I do miss you so, so very much. Thank you for blessing us with your presence for 24 beautiful years.
You are forever in my heart, my head, & my soul.
Until we meet again.
Rest Easy.

Your baby sister,

John David Johnson
April 29, 1980 - August 28, 2004



Sunday, August 2, 2015

Sunday Randomness

     Since my last post was pretty heavy,  I thought I would lighten things up around GDHC with something fun...& different. If you've been hanging out here with me for a minute, then you know a few things about me. You know I'm a cancer survivor, a former dancer, & a proud, permanent ostomate but there's a lot more to me. I love music, make-up, movies & countless other things that don't necessarily begin with the letter "m", contrary to what that previous list may have lead you to believe. So, here are some incredibly random Q's with my equally as random A's.

  • Full name? Lisa Marie Johnson
  • Are you named after anyone? Yes, my cousin Lisa Marie Wright who passed away from chronic asthma a few weeks shy of her 16th birthday in the early 80's.
  • What's your favorite sport to watch? College's serious business.
  • Favorite movies? High Fidelity, Say Anything, True Romance, Almost Famous, Dogfight, Across The Universe, The Fault In Our Stars....I could go on & on & on & on....
  • Last song you listened to? "And I Love Her" by The Beatles
  • Last movie you watched in a theater? Vacation
  • Do you have a favorite city? Wilmington, NC will always have my heart. 
  • Do you wear your seat belt in the car? Faithfully.
  • What did you have for breakfast today? Coffee
  • Favorite bands/musicians? Nirvana, Alexz Johnson, The Beatles, Frank Sinatra, DMB, The Doors, Bob Dylan
  • How tall are you? 5'0
  • What's one word to describe your personality? Sarcastic
  • What's something on your bucket list? For the record, I like to call it my "life list" {which you can check out in it's entirety in the tab above} but I would LOVE to complete a ropes course...however, I have absolutely NO idea how or where you would find them.
  • Do you believe in yourself? For the most part, but I think we all have insecurities.
  • Where did you go to on your last road trip? Pittsburgh, PA for the "Soaked In Bleach" screening.
  • Do you have a "life anthem" song? "Nothin' On Me" by Alexz Johnson
  • Favorite TV shows? LOST, Dawson's Creek, Friends
  • What is your favorite season? Fall
  • Last restaurant you went to? Chili's
  • Are you right handed or left handed? I'm a righty.
  • Do you wear glasses/contacts? Oh yeah...I'd be blind without them.
  • Do you believe in soulmates? Absolutely
  • Do you have any siblings? Yes...2 older brothers who are in Heaven & 1 older sister who, thankfully, is still down here with me. :)
  • What's your favorite hobby? Writing
  • Do you think friends can grow apart? I know they can.
  • What was the last thing you had to drink? Coke Zero...mmm...
  • Do you still have your tonsils & appendix? Nope...neither actually.
  • Iphone or android? I'm an android girl.
  • What DVD is in your DVD player right now? Friends
  • Do you have any scars, if so where? Haha, this question made me laugh. I definitely have my fair share: appendix (lower right abdomen), hysterectomy (from right below my belly button down to my pelvic bone), my chest port (top right of my chest), & on my inner left thigh (like from hip to kneecap) from my external pelvic reconstruction.
  • Do you have any tattoos? Only my radiation if those count, then I have 3. ;)
  • Do you like ice in your drinks? No! I'm completely weird when it comes to ice...just not a fan.
  • Would you rather be able to fly for a day or be invisible for a day? Fly, for sure.