On April 23, 2010 I walked into a local surgeon’s office expecting to walk out finally free of the months of irritation connected to internal hemorrhoids & all the pain that came along with them. Needless to say, that theory would quickly dissipate & my introduction into the cancer world was only days away.
It took around 20 seconds for my surgeon, the extremely amazing Dr. B, to stop talking mid-sentence during my digital rectum exam. It was at that very second that my throat dropped to my stomach. I sat back up & we all (all being myself, my mom, Dr. B, & Nurse Kathy) shared a few silent seconds looking down at the floor. He put his hands in his pockets & cleared his throat before he raised his head & made eye-contact with me. “I, um…its, well, its not internal hemorrhoids” he said ever-so-gently, almost in a way you tell a child about Santa Clause. My eyes began to water. I tried to speak but no words were able to find their way to my mouth. “There’s a pretty substantial mass lining the right side of your rectum...a very substantial mass actually" he added before taking a deep breath.
Trying my best to digest what was just said, I put my hands down on the table to steady myself. “What do we do now?” I asked although I clearly wasn’t ready to hear his response. “We need to schedule a colonoscopy & a biopsy to find out exactly what we are dealing with & we really need to do this first thing Monday morning; then we’ll talk about where we go from there.” “Go from there” I thought…I’m not even sure where I am right now. Five minutes earlier I thought my biggest problem was IH & now I was in need of a biopsy of a “substantial mass”. I remember looking over at my mom & seeing the tears in her eyes that she was trying so hard to fight back. Moments later, a nurse brought Chad back to my exam room; he immediately came over & wrapped his arms around me. He knew. I sat silently trying to make sense of the insensible, while at the same time, not wanting to imagine what potentially laid ahead.
Three days later on April 26, 2010, I had my first colonoscopy & a biopsy of the mass (which would later be renamed a tumor) taken to test for malignancy. When I opened my eyes in recovery, I saw tears falling down my parents’ faces. Chad kissed my forehead & told me how much he loved me. “This isn’t good, is it?” I asked. I didn’t need them to answer, I already knew. All of a sudden the months of symptoms, of DIYs, & of Dr. WWW flooded back & washed over me. “This is all my fault” I managed to whisper between my tears.
It took 2 more days to get the “official” word: on April 28, 2010 I was diagnosed with Stage III Rectal Cancer with a 7cm tumor that was blocking 90% of my rectum. There was no more wondering or guessing or playing Dr. online-I had cancer & unbeknownst to all of us, I had it for quite some time.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
"If you don't mind me asking...."
Hi, do I know you?! It's been awhile, right? I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I've been around these parts of town, but it has & writing on this blog has been on my mind for quite some time. At first, it was completely unintentional - I was healing from an extremely invasive 8 & 1/2 hour surgery (a surgery that would forever change my life in more ways than ever expected , fathomed, or wished upon my worst enemy) which then lead to an intentional avoidance - but we will get to all that in due time.
March is "officially" Colorectal Awareness Month, so I thought what better time to drop off my emotional baggage & start getting back to living (& sharing) my 3rd chance at life in this crazy world. You see, there are 2 things I am extremely passionate about (not counting my enthusiastic love for all things Dawson's Creek) and that is writing & doing, to the best of my ability, everything & anything that I can do to make others aware of Rectal Cancer, especially early detection & prevention for those of ANY AGE.
By faaaaaaaar the most asked question I have been asked over the past 3 years has been "if you don't mind me asking, how did you find out?" So to answer that question, this DeLorean is heading back to late-2009. Let's Go Doc. ;)
There isn't an exact moment that I can pinpoint when I started experiencing cancer "symptoms", most likely because I didn't necessarily know that they were actual symptoms. It started as nothing out of the ordinary; like every other person, I would have occasion constipation, but more often than not, my constipation would last more than just a few days and would, eventually, no longer be occasional. My first "DIY" was an over-the-counter fiber-supplement to hopefully give my body what I thought it was obviously lacking. It didn't exactly give me the "outcome" I had expected - instead of ridding me of my constipation, I started experiencing another aggravating issue: bloating in my abdomen. At first, it seemed innocent enough; as women we like to use the word "bloating" when we're not feeling in our peak physical shape, but this was legit bloating.
At the time, I weighed around 105lbs so it was very-much noticeable, so much in fact that I started to wonder if there was a chance I could be pregnant. That scenario was very quickly ruled out so after some time, I decided to move on to my next DIY solution: a little cocktail called "Magnesium Citrate". In actuality, MC is a saline-based, liquid laxative used to treat occasional constipation...bingo! I read the back of the bottle & it suggested drinking half the bottle, followed by 8 ounces of water. "Amateurs" I thought as I drank the entire bottle (it was lemon-flavored, which for me was a bonus - for others?...probably not-so-much). MC soon became my go-to-guy; I was still coaching a local high school dance team which was good pay but offered no insurance benefits, so an actual doctor visit was financially out of the question. Doctor WWW soon became my primary care physician.
After a while, the magic of magnesium citrate lost it's luster & I was back where I began, except now I was starting to feel a dull ache in my tailbone. At first, the pain would come & go but I was quick to brush it off as simply overstretching & overworking myself at practice with my girls. At some point around the same time period I started experimenting with Miralax and soon MC was out and MX was in. It seemed to do the trick, so it became part of my nightly routine.
In December 2009, it was time for my annual "female check-up", without insurance the only plausible option was a free health clinic. I had mentioned to the DR at the clinic about the problems I had been having and that my most recent symptom was a little blood in my stool. She said that what I was experiencing wasn't a big issue at 25yrsold & told me to just continue with the Miralax "if I wanted". Awesome advice.
Over the next couple months my symptoms began to progress as did the amount of blood; it went from a little here & there to more & more in abundance & occurrence. According to Dr. WWW, all of my symptoms were common in conjunction with internal hemorrhoids. It made sense, IH are actually very common in dancers. I was satisfied and actually pretty proud of my self-diagnosis, however reality was about to smack me upside the head & literally become a pain in my butt.
Around March 2010, I began having the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life in my inner -right "buttock" (who we'll call "Righty" for referral purposes) - a sharp, stabbing pain so severe I could barely sit, stand, or sleep without cringing from excruciating pain. I will NEVER forget the next thing I am going to describe: on one particular evening I was having so much pain that I spent most of the night laying on my side on the bathroom floor. All of a sudden I felt like I was being stabbed with a butcher knife in my tailbone; the sensation instantly traveled down to Righty & began to burn like acid was inside my body. I struggled to pull myself up off the floor while tears streamed down my tired face. I remember tasting the fibers from a towel that I had rolled up to bite down on so I wouldn't scream out in pain. The next thing I remember is looking down at the toilet & seeing a full crimson pool of blood....I remember closing my eyes & opening them again because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. For the first time I was no longer frustrated, I was scared to death...I was CERTAIN this HAD to be the WORST case of internal hemorrhoids ever experienced by a human being!
The very-near future would show me just how wrong I was, how wrong a licensed doctor was, and how different my life was about to be forever changed.
March is "officially" Colorectal Awareness Month, so I thought what better time to drop off my emotional baggage & start getting back to living (& sharing) my 3rd chance at life in this crazy world. You see, there are 2 things I am extremely passionate about (not counting my enthusiastic love for all things Dawson's Creek) and that is writing & doing, to the best of my ability, everything & anything that I can do to make others aware of Rectal Cancer, especially early detection & prevention for those of ANY AGE.
By faaaaaaaar the most asked question I have been asked over the past 3 years has been "if you don't mind me asking, how did you find out?" So to answer that question, this DeLorean is heading back to late-2009. Let's Go Doc. ;)
There isn't an exact moment that I can pinpoint when I started experiencing cancer "symptoms", most likely because I didn't necessarily know that they were actual symptoms. It started as nothing out of the ordinary; like every other person, I would have occasion constipation, but more often than not, my constipation would last more than just a few days and would, eventually, no longer be occasional. My first "DIY" was an over-the-counter fiber-supplement to hopefully give my body what I thought it was obviously lacking. It didn't exactly give me the "outcome" I had expected - instead of ridding me of my constipation, I started experiencing another aggravating issue: bloating in my abdomen. At first, it seemed innocent enough; as women we like to use the word "bloating" when we're not feeling in our peak physical shape, but this was legit bloating.
At the time, I weighed around 105lbs so it was very-much noticeable, so much in fact that I started to wonder if there was a chance I could be pregnant. That scenario was very quickly ruled out so after some time, I decided to move on to my next DIY solution: a little cocktail called "Magnesium Citrate". In actuality, MC is a saline-based, liquid laxative used to treat occasional constipation...bingo! I read the back of the bottle & it suggested drinking half the bottle, followed by 8 ounces of water. "Amateurs" I thought as I drank the entire bottle (it was lemon-flavored, which for me was a bonus - for others?...probably not-so-much). MC soon became my go-to-guy; I was still coaching a local high school dance team which was good pay but offered no insurance benefits, so an actual doctor visit was financially out of the question. Doctor WWW soon became my primary care physician.
After a while, the magic of magnesium citrate lost it's luster & I was back where I began, except now I was starting to feel a dull ache in my tailbone. At first, the pain would come & go but I was quick to brush it off as simply overstretching & overworking myself at practice with my girls. At some point around the same time period I started experimenting with Miralax and soon MC was out and MX was in. It seemed to do the trick, so it became part of my nightly routine.
In December 2009, it was time for my annual "female check-up", without insurance the only plausible option was a free health clinic. I had mentioned to the DR at the clinic about the problems I had been having and that my most recent symptom was a little blood in my stool. She said that what I was experiencing wasn't a big issue at 25yrsold & told me to just continue with the Miralax "if I wanted". Awesome advice.
Over the next couple months my symptoms began to progress as did the amount of blood; it went from a little here & there to more & more in abundance & occurrence. According to Dr. WWW, all of my symptoms were common in conjunction with internal hemorrhoids. It made sense, IH are actually very common in dancers. I was satisfied and actually pretty proud of my self-diagnosis, however reality was about to smack me upside the head & literally become a pain in my butt.
Around March 2010, I began having the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life in my inner -right "buttock" (who we'll call "Righty" for referral purposes) - a sharp, stabbing pain so severe I could barely sit, stand, or sleep without cringing from excruciating pain. I will NEVER forget the next thing I am going to describe: on one particular evening I was having so much pain that I spent most of the night laying on my side on the bathroom floor. All of a sudden I felt like I was being stabbed with a butcher knife in my tailbone; the sensation instantly traveled down to Righty & began to burn like acid was inside my body. I struggled to pull myself up off the floor while tears streamed down my tired face. I remember tasting the fibers from a towel that I had rolled up to bite down on so I wouldn't scream out in pain. The next thing I remember is looking down at the toilet & seeing a full crimson pool of blood....I remember closing my eyes & opening them again because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. For the first time I was no longer frustrated, I was scared to death...I was CERTAIN this HAD to be the WORST case of internal hemorrhoids ever experienced by a human being!
The very-near future would show me just how wrong I was, how wrong a licensed doctor was, and how different my life was about to be forever changed.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Well, hello there!
In honor of the month of March being "Colorectal Awareness Month" I decided to give the ol' page a little face lift & will be updating very soon. I promise, its all worth the wait so please...stay tuned. ;-)
Friday, May 11, 2012
"Late Night Wonders"
Late Night Wonders
A second chance at life,
following months of pain, tears, & strife.
A new body to encompass my soul,
after brutally realizing life is out of my control.
Poison in my veins to help me heal,
a disease in my body out for the kill.
Doctor after doctor,
test after test,
all I can do is swallow my fears
and hope for the best.
Yesterday is gone and today is the now,
Tomorrow will be,
'cause I'll make it somehow.
© LMJ (2011)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Love Story
"Welcome to my life - the good, the bad, & the in between." These are the words that welcome you to my life, however - so far, it seems all I have let you in on is the bad: cancer, my brothers' deaths, anxiety...but to be honest, there is more good in my life than there is bad; in fact there is something - or someone I should say, who is pretty fantastic.
In August 2003 I decided to pick up a summer job just for the hell of it; my best friend, Ashley worked at a local retail store so I thought why not? I filled out an application and the next week I was called in for an interview and began my first day a week later. Along with picking up some extra cash, I was making another lifelong friendship with my friend Natalie, and, ultimately, my husband Chad. I wish I could say I acted cool, confident, and put together from the start, however that is the furthest from the truth!
As do most girls while growing up, I watched cheesy, over-the-top, romantic movies about couples falling in love at first sight, conquering the odds together that life threw their way, and living happily ever after but even though I watched those movies about love at it fullest, I had my doubts. I had relationships throughout my teenage-years but by the age of 19 I was single, not looking, and pretty sure I would spend the rest of my life alone. That’s normal, right? Well, life proved me wrong on a random day at a random time.
I was just ending my shift and clocking out when I first saw Chad - he was coming out of the lost control office & was wearing a light-blue, V-neck sweater with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. My heart immediately starting beating in a rhythm I had never experienced before…I was in love…and it was at first sight. As we passed each other in the close-quartered hallway, he whispered a shy “excuse me” and I felt my knees buckle. Who was this guy that I had so quickly & unexpectedly fell in love with? It wouldn't take me long to find out - between Ashley & Natalie (and there super-secret insiders) we had the “411” on Chad within a few days: he was 24, had recently moved here from North Carolina to go to school and, yes, he was single. SCORE! So, once again, you would think knowing that this gorgeous guy was single could only help me maintain a semi-normal, put-together, calm but welcoming aura, & would help me mentally prepare a game plan to make him mine and, embarrassingly & sadly enough, once again, that was definitely not me.
Falling so completely hard for someone who had mentioned 2 words to me made me spastic, extremely nervous, and brought out my “inner Urkel”. When someone mentioned he was coming my way, I would run in the other direction…and I’m not exaggerating, I would literally jog to the furthest register away from him trying to pull-out an Oscar-worthy performance of “busy customer-service representative”. I was fine daydreaming for afar, but bring the boy close to me and all composer left my body. Example: it was around the holidays so our store was ridiculously busy; once we would finish with one customer, three more would be in line, so that left me little time to have my radar on maximum level. I was squatting down in front of the return desk trying to read a UPC off something a customer was returning when I heard a voice behind my say “busy enough up here for you Lisa?”, without thought, I turned around ready to answer the familiar, but not at that very second, voice and saw Chad standing there, clipboard in hand. Oh my gawd I thought, he knows my name! “Um…yeah, it’s um…it’s…it’s…busy, yeah…busy…it is!” I managed to spit out after trying my damnedest to form a normal, basic response. He smiled and walked away; I dropped my head in embarrassment. “Seriously?!” I thought “busy it is?!” who am I, Yoda?! It was a legit "Dirty Dancing" 'I carried a watermelon?!' moment. Before standing up, I put my hands on my hips and felt that my pants had slipped down a bit, we’re not talking a Britney Circa 2007 flash, but they were definitely down a little; I stood up and pulled my pants back up on my hips, ran my hands around the rim of the waistline & discovered my underwear had been sticking out above my pants the whole time! And the worst part?…they weren’t even cute underwear!
After the very embarrassing (til this day) “Underwearmelon” moment, little by little I began gaining courage to be in the same vicinity of Chad, first in a group setting and then a little more personal. Slowly but surely my speech began to rise above that of a pre-schooler and my actual personality began to show. Soon enough, we were taking our breaks together just talking and getting to know more about each other. In January of 2004 the, at one time, unbelievable happened and we had our 1st kiss outside Ashley’s house before we both got in our cars to go our separate ways for the night. Needless to say, I, of course, grabbed my phone and called Ashley before I reached the end of her driveway. The next day at work the news had spread and our work buddies were literally coming up to me giving me high-fives for finally showing Chad the mega-awesome person that I truly am. ;)
After that, we became pretty much inseparable and by the end of month, January 31, 2004 to be exact, we officially became “Chad & Lisa” when he called me his “girlfriend” for the first time. Here I was: 19, not single, no longer thinking I would spend my life alone, and very much in love; I had found my other half and for the first time in my life felt complete and whole-heartedly knowing that I had found my soul mate. Five years later, to the day on January 31, 2009, we became husband & wife in a small but perfect wedding surrounded by our families and friends.
I fell in love with Chad the second I saw him; we conquer the odds together that life throws our way, and even though cancer has derailed a “normal” happily ever after, we’re on our way, but unlike those movies I watched growing up…our love story doesn’t end after the credits.
I love you Chad: now, then, forever, & always. <3
In August 2003 I decided to pick up a summer job just for the hell of it; my best friend, Ashley worked at a local retail store so I thought why not? I filled out an application and the next week I was called in for an interview and began my first day a week later. Along with picking up some extra cash, I was making another lifelong friendship with my friend Natalie, and, ultimately, my husband Chad. I wish I could say I acted cool, confident, and put together from the start, however that is the furthest from the truth!
As do most girls while growing up, I watched cheesy, over-the-top, romantic movies about couples falling in love at first sight, conquering the odds together that life threw their way, and living happily ever after but even though I watched those movies about love at it fullest, I had my doubts. I had relationships throughout my teenage-years but by the age of 19 I was single, not looking, and pretty sure I would spend the rest of my life alone. That’s normal, right? Well, life proved me wrong on a random day at a random time.
I was just ending my shift and clocking out when I first saw Chad - he was coming out of the lost control office & was wearing a light-blue, V-neck sweater with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. My heart immediately starting beating in a rhythm I had never experienced before…I was in love…and it was at first sight. As we passed each other in the close-quartered hallway, he whispered a shy “excuse me” and I felt my knees buckle. Who was this guy that I had so quickly & unexpectedly fell in love with? It wouldn't take me long to find out - between Ashley & Natalie (and there super-secret insiders) we had the “411” on Chad within a few days: he was 24, had recently moved here from North Carolina to go to school and, yes, he was single. SCORE! So, once again, you would think knowing that this gorgeous guy was single could only help me maintain a semi-normal, put-together, calm but welcoming aura, & would help me mentally prepare a game plan to make him mine and, embarrassingly & sadly enough, once again, that was definitely not me.
Falling so completely hard for someone who had mentioned 2 words to me made me spastic, extremely nervous, and brought out my “inner Urkel”. When someone mentioned he was coming my way, I would run in the other direction…and I’m not exaggerating, I would literally jog to the furthest register away from him trying to pull-out an Oscar-worthy performance of “busy customer-service representative”. I was fine daydreaming for afar, but bring the boy close to me and all composer left my body. Example: it was around the holidays so our store was ridiculously busy; once we would finish with one customer, three more would be in line, so that left me little time to have my radar on maximum level. I was squatting down in front of the return desk trying to read a UPC off something a customer was returning when I heard a voice behind my say “busy enough up here for you Lisa?”, without thought, I turned around ready to answer the familiar, but not at that very second, voice and saw Chad standing there, clipboard in hand. Oh my gawd I thought, he knows my name! “Um…yeah, it’s um…it’s…it’s…busy, yeah…busy…it is!” I managed to spit out after trying my damnedest to form a normal, basic response. He smiled and walked away; I dropped my head in embarrassment. “Seriously?!” I thought “busy it is?!” who am I, Yoda?! It was a legit "Dirty Dancing" 'I carried a watermelon?!' moment. Before standing up, I put my hands on my hips and felt that my pants had slipped down a bit, we’re not talking a Britney Circa 2007 flash, but they were definitely down a little; I stood up and pulled my pants back up on my hips, ran my hands around the rim of the waistline & discovered my underwear had been sticking out above my pants the whole time! And the worst part?…they weren’t even cute underwear!
After the very embarrassing (til this day) “Underwearmelon” moment, little by little I began gaining courage to be in the same vicinity of Chad, first in a group setting and then a little more personal. Slowly but surely my speech began to rise above that of a pre-schooler and my actual personality began to show. Soon enough, we were taking our breaks together just talking and getting to know more about each other. In January of 2004 the, at one time, unbelievable happened and we had our 1st kiss outside Ashley’s house before we both got in our cars to go our separate ways for the night. Needless to say, I, of course, grabbed my phone and called Ashley before I reached the end of her driveway. The next day at work the news had spread and our work buddies were literally coming up to me giving me high-fives for finally showing Chad the mega-awesome person that I truly am. ;)
After that, we became pretty much inseparable and by the end of month, January 31, 2004 to be exact, we officially became “Chad & Lisa” when he called me his “girlfriend” for the first time. Here I was: 19, not single, no longer thinking I would spend my life alone, and very much in love; I had found my other half and for the first time in my life felt complete and whole-heartedly knowing that I had found my soul mate. Five years later, to the day on January 31, 2009, we became husband & wife in a small but perfect wedding surrounded by our families and friends.
I fell in love with Chad the second I saw him; we conquer the odds together that life throws our way, and even though cancer has derailed a “normal” happily ever after, we’re on our way, but unlike those movies I watched growing up…our love story doesn’t end after the credits.
I love you Chad: now, then, forever, & always. <3
Monday, August 29, 2011
The Way I Am
It’s been 2 months since we found out about my recurrence and we’re still pretty much in the same spot now as we were then. The only “progress”, if that’s what you would call it, would be the 2 visits to have consults with my new surgeon in Pittsburgh, another trip to the burgh’ to meet a urologist and plastic surgeon who will also be a part of my surgery, and a colonoscopy for good measure (through my stoma for those of you who are like “but…how??” Don’t feel bad, I asked too!), which actually brought us full circle since that is where my cancer journey first began back in April 2010. Maybe that seems like more progress to you than it does to me; I’m just so frustrated these days. Frustrated, nervous, anxious, angry, scared - all of the above and every other emotion you could think of….which, when all mixed together, as they are now, equals an emotional mess, which equals me. Up is down, down is up, left is right, and right is left - at least that is how it seems to me lately. I feel such an urgency to get this tumor out of me…that’s the first step back to remission and I would really like that first step sooner rather then later. After all, remember I have super-tumors that grow at an astronomical rate every second it's in my body that doctors around the globe have never even seen before…well, at least in my mind they do. :) Oh, I guess we could definitely add paranoid to that list of emotions I mentioned shortly ago, yep - definitely paranoid. I don’t understand why it seems like such a task to get a surgery date…a date…that’s all I’m asking for…is that too much for a girl to want? We know it will be on a Thursday but just give me a friggen date already! Geesh! I understand that my specialist deals with my type of cancer everyday but, it’s his job and this is my LIFE. To me, every day that passes is a day that could, potentially, be a day that is used fighting this disease. I think that fuels my frustration…I’m ready now for surgery; I’m ready for the pain, for the healing, and ultimately, I’m ready to have this surgery behind me and be moving on to the next step, whatever that may be.
I’ve stated in earlier entry on this blog that I’m the type of person who, once placed in a intense position, I will, most likely, convince myself that a baseless, ridiculous, off-the-top outcome will without-a-doubt happen. It’s something I do a lot and I’m not afraid to admit that. It’s silly and usually just fuels my anxiety, but it’s just what I do. What I haven’t told you yet is why I do what I do and why I am the way I am.
Over the past 7 years, my family has been through hell & back, even before my cancer diagnosis we knew what tragic really meant and what havoc it could reek on your lives. In 2004, my older brother John (24) passed away from smoke & soot inhalation in a house fire. I was 20-years-old at the time and had never experienced a death before, so for it to be my big brother was more than tragic…it was…well, it was something that I can’t really describe in words, but I’ll try. It’s like a sucker-punch to your gut that you can’t get rid of and, much like cancer, you can’t truly understand the feeling until you, unfortunately, may experience it yourself. You feel so alone even though you surrounded by the world & you feel so smothered even though that world is giving you room to breathe. You feel lost and wonder if you'll ever feel "found" again.
My family grieved, as we still do & will forever do, and eventually began to rebuild our lives minus one. However, 28 months later, in 2006, my brother Jay (32) suddenly & unexpectedly passed away from “Acute bronchopneumonia” after experiencing flu-like symptoms for a few days prior - we had no clue it was anything more. He had promised to go to the doctor the next day but once again, our world was shattered, smashed, shred to pieces and we found ourselves in a familiarly tragic & unfair position. In a little over 2 years, I had lost both of my big brothers. I didn’t understand why and really, to this day, I’m not sure I do now. The only comfort we could find was that my brothers were best friends and even though they were not with us, they were together and that, for me at least, gave me a slight hint of peace. Jay’s death would eventually lead me to meet someone half-way across the country who, to this day, holds a very special place in my heart and still helps me get through some really dark days (Love you Shelley!).
So maybe now that gives you a little understanding of why my mind is constantly spinning and coming up with the “glass half-empty” mentality. I don't like being like that so I’m working on myself and I have full faith I’m going to kick cancer’s ass…again. It’s not going to be fun, in fact, it’s going to be hell - but, like I just told you…I’ve been to hell & back a few times and still, here I am. On the plus side, I have a little extra help from 2 handsome guardian angels on my shoulder to guide me through this cancer fight.
Along with being mentally exhausted, the physical aspects of recurrence are definitely making their presence known. The all-too-familiar tailbone pain that I had ignored for so many months before diagnosis has returned full-force, extending up to the middle of my spine. My joints from my fingers to my toes feel every step I take during the day, my knees usually feel like I ran a 5K after climbing our stairs, and finding a comfortable position to sleep in is an obstacle I have yet to conquer (Sorry Chad ILY). Last week I swallowed my pride gave in and got a cane, I know, I know…but don’t worry, it’s super cute! I can’t let something like cancer ruin my fashion, that would be absolutely unfair justice!
Over the past 7 years, my family has been through hell & back, even before my cancer diagnosis we knew what tragic really meant and what havoc it could reek on your lives. In 2004, my older brother John (24) passed away from smoke & soot inhalation in a house fire. I was 20-years-old at the time and had never experienced a death before, so for it to be my big brother was more than tragic…it was…well, it was something that I can’t really describe in words, but I’ll try. It’s like a sucker-punch to your gut that you can’t get rid of and, much like cancer, you can’t truly understand the feeling until you, unfortunately, may experience it yourself. You feel so alone even though you surrounded by the world & you feel so smothered even though that world is giving you room to breathe. You feel lost and wonder if you'll ever feel "found" again.
My family grieved, as we still do & will forever do, and eventually began to rebuild our lives minus one. However, 28 months later, in 2006, my brother Jay (32) suddenly & unexpectedly passed away from “Acute bronchopneumonia” after experiencing flu-like symptoms for a few days prior - we had no clue it was anything more. He had promised to go to the doctor the next day but once again, our world was shattered, smashed, shred to pieces and we found ourselves in a familiarly tragic & unfair position. In a little over 2 years, I had lost both of my big brothers. I didn’t understand why and really, to this day, I’m not sure I do now. The only comfort we could find was that my brothers were best friends and even though they were not with us, they were together and that, for me at least, gave me a slight hint of peace. Jay’s death would eventually lead me to meet someone half-way across the country who, to this day, holds a very special place in my heart and still helps me get through some really dark days (Love you Shelley!).
So maybe now that gives you a little understanding of why my mind is constantly spinning and coming up with the “glass half-empty” mentality. I don't like being like that so I’m working on myself and I have full faith I’m going to kick cancer’s ass…again. It’s not going to be fun, in fact, it’s going to be hell - but, like I just told you…I’ve been to hell & back a few times and still, here I am. On the plus side, I have a little extra help from 2 handsome guardian angels on my shoulder to guide me through this cancer fight.
Along with being mentally exhausted, the physical aspects of recurrence are definitely making their presence known. The all-too-familiar tailbone pain that I had ignored for so many months before diagnosis has returned full-force, extending up to the middle of my spine. My joints from my fingers to my toes feel every step I take during the day, my knees usually feel like I ran a 5K after climbing our stairs, and finding a comfortable position to sleep in is an obstacle I have yet to conquer (Sorry Chad ILY). Last week I swallowed my pride gave in and got a cane, I know, I know…but don’t worry, it’s super cute! I can’t let something like cancer ruin my fashion, that would be absolutely unfair justice!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
What I Know
I can't believe how much has changed in the past month; it blows my mind how quickly cancer can change your life over & over again. I remember sitting on the beach of Oak Island in early June of this year, smelling the ocean air, feeling the sand between my toes, & telling Chad how cancer had tried to take that experience away from me but had not succeeded. I would have never thought 2 months later I would once again be putting on my armor & gearing up for battle - but that's the thing about cancer, it's unpredictable & it's ruthless.
Although I try not to, I often find myself thinking about the year or so before I was diagnosed. During that year, I was ignoring symptoms because I didn't have the knowledge that they were symptoms. I can't help but blame myself sometimes; maybe, just maybe if I had seen a doctor sooner I wouldn't be in this mess...but that's something that I, or you, will never know.
What I know now is that I hate being back to the days of feeling the constant ache in my gut knowing the fight that lies ahead of me. I hate running out of energy trying to make it up our steps; I hate the fact that it's getting harder & harder to pick of my 4-yr-old niece. I hate having to explain to my 8-yr-old nephew why I have so many doctor appointments & I hate having to hide the fear from both of them so they always believe I'm still the same "LaLa" I was before cancer. Bottom line: I hate this disease.
What I know now is that I have one hell of a battle coming up: surgery to remove my tumor, my uterus, & my ovaries - not because the disease has spread but because my new surgeon has fears that they could have been affected by cancerous cells & have not yet matured. We agreed that removing them was a better decision than leaving them in & increasing the chance of having ovarian or ureutal cancer in the future. I'm not going to lie - that was a mighty hard pill to swallow.
Although our radiologist told us very early on that treatment would make me sterile, I think I still held out that small hope that I could pull out a miracle & one day, when we were ready, Chad & I would be able to have a child of our own. Not everyone knows this, but Chad actually took MY last name when we married because both of my older brothers had passed away, leaving no males to carry on our last name...we had hoped to have a son to do so. I know, I know...there is adoption & for some very strange, unexplainable reason Chad & I have always talked about adoption since we met. So, when we are ready, we whole-heartedly intend on adopting a child who will be meant to be our's & we'll be meant to be his or her's. I have full faith that my brothers will lead us to that baby when the time is right.
As for now, I'm enjoying spending time with my family & my husband (and the countless # of appointments with various doctors) - we live our days as normal as possible but cancer is never far from any of our minds. I've beaten this disease once & this time, the only difference is I know what lies ahead - surgery & chemo, but experience never hurts, right?
When it comes down to it, cancer is a part of my life - it doesn't define me, it doesn't consume me, & it doesn't stand for who I am as a person. I'm a wife, a daughter, a sister, a "LaLa", & a friend. There is so much more to me than what hides inside my body & everyday that I remind myself of that fact & live by that fact...well, that's a victory for me.
Although I try not to, I often find myself thinking about the year or so before I was diagnosed. During that year, I was ignoring symptoms because I didn't have the knowledge that they were symptoms. I can't help but blame myself sometimes; maybe, just maybe if I had seen a doctor sooner I wouldn't be in this mess...but that's something that I, or you, will never know.
What I know now is that I hate being back to the days of feeling the constant ache in my gut knowing the fight that lies ahead of me. I hate running out of energy trying to make it up our steps; I hate the fact that it's getting harder & harder to pick of my 4-yr-old niece. I hate having to explain to my 8-yr-old nephew why I have so many doctor appointments & I hate having to hide the fear from both of them so they always believe I'm still the same "LaLa" I was before cancer. Bottom line: I hate this disease.
What I know now is that I have one hell of a battle coming up: surgery to remove my tumor, my uterus, & my ovaries - not because the disease has spread but because my new surgeon has fears that they could have been affected by cancerous cells & have not yet matured. We agreed that removing them was a better decision than leaving them in & increasing the chance of having ovarian or ureutal cancer in the future. I'm not going to lie - that was a mighty hard pill to swallow.
Although our radiologist told us very early on that treatment would make me sterile, I think I still held out that small hope that I could pull out a miracle & one day, when we were ready, Chad & I would be able to have a child of our own. Not everyone knows this, but Chad actually took MY last name when we married because both of my older brothers had passed away, leaving no males to carry on our last name...we had hoped to have a son to do so. I know, I know...there is adoption & for some very strange, unexplainable reason Chad & I have always talked about adoption since we met. So, when we are ready, we whole-heartedly intend on adopting a child who will be meant to be our's & we'll be meant to be his or her's. I have full faith that my brothers will lead us to that baby when the time is right.
As for now, I'm enjoying spending time with my family & my husband (and the countless # of appointments with various doctors) - we live our days as normal as possible but cancer is never far from any of our minds. I've beaten this disease once & this time, the only difference is I know what lies ahead - surgery & chemo, but experience never hurts, right?
When it comes down to it, cancer is a part of my life - it doesn't define me, it doesn't consume me, & it doesn't stand for who I am as a person. I'm a wife, a daughter, a sister, a "LaLa", & a friend. There is so much more to me than what hides inside my body & everyday that I remind myself of that fact & live by that fact...well, that's a victory for me.
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